Tuesday, September 27, 2011

I wonder why. . .

Another day had been passed, and I still can't believed Tatay was already gone. What last Sept. 25's tragedy wasn't easy for me to just sinked it in. It was like a disease without cure. It keeps on killing me from deep sorrow and pain. Why did you do this to me? To Mama? To Nanay? To us? You should've at least wait for Christmas and New Year. Or if possible just until my birthday, or until my graduation. Why did you leave us so soon? I even got no chance of saying "Tay, andito ako. Complete tayo sa Sunday hapunan natin." But no. You're too selfish for leaving us so soon. You're so unfair! You made us all feel that you didn't fight for yourself, that you didn't fight for us. It was like you just drop your gun, raise your white flag and you just surrender your life. What kind of life would be for us now without you? If you're the only strength that we're sticking to. I really missed you, Tay! 


Sunday, September 25, 2011

A Day of Regret, A Day to Forget



I can't explain the feeling. I'm not crying, I just don't feel well, severely not feeling good. Of course, who'll be happy if that shit happens to you?! I know everybody will have the same emotion like mine. Actually, I don't even know why am I blogging this, maybe it's because of extreme emotions and for the sake of hiding my feelings to my mom and dad. I want them to see me strong like nothing happens. I want to be the reason why they need to move on and continue a happy life. I know that it's really hard for them right now to accept the fact that our loving Tatay is already gone. But I know, in time, they will recover from this agony. Now, I just need to be their for Mama and Papa.

"Tay, alam ko na andito ka pa rin sa tabi namin palagi. Ayoko man maniwalang wala ka na, pero un ang katotohanan eh. Ang daya mo naman! Di mo man hinintay ung birthday ko! Paano na ung promise mo sakin? Sino na mag-aasikaso ng birthday ko pag wala ka na? Wala na. Sino na ung parating kumakamusta sakin pag umuuwi ako ng San Jose? Sino na ung magbibigay sakin ng paborito kong saging? Sino na ung ikakampanya ko tuwing eleksyon? Wala na. Pero Tay, mamimiss kita! Sobra-sobra! Alagaan mo parati sa Nanay ha, wag mong hahayaan na may mangyari sa kanyang masama. Kung kasama mo na ung dalawa kong kapatid, pakisabi din po na bantayan nila si Mama at Papa na wala ding mangyaring masama. Ako po, kaya ko na ung sarili ko. Sobrang mamimiss kita Tay! Mahal na mahal kita!"

September 25, 2011 - Sunday, a day of regret, a day to forget.


Friday, September 16, 2011

Shit Happens. . .

It's been a week since that shit happened to me.

A shock that killed me to hell. A state that almost put me into death. And a place that made me suffer, sick and miserable. Everybody knew what happened that night except me. I'm lost. I'm wasted. Everybody's having fun at me, and I can't do anything about it. I'm just trying to enjoy the night but it ended the other way around. (But yeah I enjoyed the night) I was drinking, dancing and mingling with friends and some other acquaintances. I was trying to savor up the drinks, the place and the whole party itself. All I want that night is to have fun. To loosen up all the stress in school and in life. But the real question was, WHAT REALLY HAPPENED TO ME? I was blind sided of what happened that night. I was trying to recall all the things I've done but unfortunately I can't remember anything. As in real, I can't remember any thing! The last thing I remember was I was inside the comfort room and that's it. BOOM! It all went out like a dream. 

What happened that night was so strange. As in pala-isipan na sa akin kung ano ang mga nangyari after that scene. Di ko alam kung ano na ang nangyari. Sunday, 2 o'clock in the afternoon, I woke up lying on my bed inverted. "Tang ina" I told to my self. "Anong nangyare?" Paano ako nakauwi? Anong oras ako nakauwi? Sino naghatid sa akin? Sino nagbihis sa akin? Bakit ako andito? - the questions I asked to myself right after I woke up. The only thing I felt that time was my head feeling like it's breaking into pieces. Parang may heartbeat ang ulo ko sa sakit. Nahihilo na ako that time, nasusuka. Gusto kong umiyak pero wala naman ako magagawa. I was left home alone, walang kasama, ako lang mag-isa. I  turned on the TV. Asked again my self, WHAT HAPPENED? Tang ina. I can't fully express my feelings. Nababadtrip ako, na nalulungkot, na natatawa, at nahihiya. Sobrang wasak. Sobrang fail! One thing I assured myself, NAGKALAT ako! And it's not the usual me. Ako pa, sobrang okay ako. Walang masyadong problema sa buhay, love life lang. Pero para magkalat ng sobra, THAT's NOT ME. Pero what happened? Ano ang nangyari sa akin? Bakit ganon. I lost control. I lost discipline. I lost my self. And now, I almost lost my dignity and pride. Parang wala na akong mukang maipagmamalaki sa mga tao. I really can't believe that it'll happen to me. Of all people, WHY ME?